so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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