I threw up into my coffee this morning.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I want to fling myself into the sun
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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