I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Randomize
