guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
