All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
