i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
