They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
