Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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