Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Randomize
