I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
