we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
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