I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
