Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
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