Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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