There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Randomize
