he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
