I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
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