I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
