You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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