How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
