Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
