My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
