of course. lets lasso hookers.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
