he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
How does it feel to date your dad?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
