If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
