Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
