It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
