i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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