i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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