Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
