Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
