Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
