is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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