Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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