She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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