He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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