Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
