we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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