were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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