I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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