Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
