if only i could text you this smell
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
