Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
no, he came in my armpit
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
