so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
