Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
