2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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