i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize