you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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