I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
