I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
