I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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