I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
my liver is dry heaving
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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