smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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