I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
