if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
