her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
