My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
