My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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