I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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